TW // mental health // thoughts..

[Amb]

Good day, here I am again. I registered a while ago and gave a short introduction about myself. In short: had meningitis at the age of 2, left ear completely deaf, right ear mildly hearing impaired, but severely hearing impaired for two years. Without a hearing aid I can't hear anything. Lately I have not been doing well, due to severe hearing loss, conversation is difficult, I can no longer enjoy TV/music, and I avoid crowds/discussions. But also because I have no hope that, even with the latest technology, I will be able to hear normally again or regain hearing quality. I read stories here and there of CI users who still have difficulty having a conversation, or who still cannot listen to music. In addition, you still cannot hear 24/7 with current technology. With that thought I feel very sad, I regularly suffer from depression and panic attacks. Because of this situation, I have decided not to have a relationship or have children. I also suffer from severe depression and often have suicidal tendencies.

[Mary Beth]

@Amb

I encourage you to seek treatment for your depression.  Hopefully you will then feel ready to embrace relationships and explore options for communication.  Wishing you the best.

My CIs have opened up my world and I am enjoying living a life full of hearing- the best hearing I have had in many decades.

[MED-EL Moderator]

@Amb
 

We understand that you are in a very difficult situation. Living with hearing loss can be very challenging.

We have sent you a private message. Please check your inbox.

[Michi]

4 hours ago, Amb said:

Guten Tag, hier bin ich wieder. Ich habe mich vor einiger Zeit registriert und eine kurze Vorstellung von mir gegeben. Kurz gesagt: Hatte im Alter von 2 Jahren eine Meningitis, das linke Ohr war völlig taub, das rechte Ohr leicht hörgeschädigt, aber seit zwei Jahren stark hörgeschädigt. Ohne Hörgerät kann ich nichts hören. In letzter Zeit geht es mir aufgrund des schweren Hörverlusts nicht gut, Gespräche sind schwierig, ich kann Fernsehen/Musik nicht mehr genießen und ich meide Menschenansammlungen/Diskussionen. Aber auch, weil ich keine Hoffnung habe, dass ich auch mit der neuesten Technologie wieder normal hören oder die Hörqualität wiedergewinnen kann. Ich lese hier und da Geschichten von CI-Benutzern, denen es immer noch schwerfällt, sich zu unterhalten, oder die immer noch keine Musik hören können. Darüber hinaus ist es mit der aktuellen Technologie immer noch nicht möglich, rund um die Uhr zu hören. Bei diesem Gedanken fühle ich mich sehr traurig, ich leide regelmäßig unter Depressionen und Panikattacken. Aufgrund dieser Situation habe ich beschlossen, keine Beziehung einzugehen und keine Kinder zu bekommen. Außerdem leide ich unter schweren Depressionen und habe häufig suizidale Tendenzen.

Hallo, bitte nicht verzweifeln. Es gibt oft schwere Zeiten, es kommen aber auch gute Zeiten, man muss sie nur zulassen.

Ich war auch sehr verzweifelt und wollte nicht mehr mit Menschen reden, aus Angst sie nicht zu verstehen.

Jeder hat einen anderen Weg mit den CI, mal geht es schneller, mal dauert es länger.

Ich konnte auch erst nach einen Jahr einigermaßen gut verstehen. Mittlerweile bin ich sehr froh darüber, und traue mich immer mehr wieder zu reden.

Auch du wirst deinen Weg gehen, mit sehr  sehr viel Geduld und Nerven.

Alles, alles Gute und Kopf hoch. Liebe Grüße aus Österreich 

[Tim]

@Amb I remember our messages earlier this year and am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. Winter and the holidays can be extra hard for so many people and then to add dealing with hearing loss that you have had to deal with for so long.

A couple of thoughts:

There are some counselors that specialize in helping people with hearing loss. I saw someone in another CI community talking about that how helpful she found it.  (Not sure of your country but perhaps your audiologist can help with a referral.)

When I get a little frustrated, I sometimes look forward to being able to stream and listen things whenever I want compared to those that have to rely on an air pods.  I'm thinking of attending graduation events where I have stay in a seat for 3 or 4 hours as the name of thousands of people that I don't know get read. I plan to use my CI to stream an audiobook!  

I know my hearing on my CI will never be as rich as a normal ear but my hearing will keep getting slowly better while my colleague's hearing is getting worse due to normal age-related hearing  loss.

The CI community is small but can be a great opportunity for making new friends, whether local or around the world.  Since starting to lose my hearing about 17 years ago, I have only met one other CI user in-person but I've made a lot of friends around the world that I would like to reach out to if I'm ever in their area.  (Watch out Hear Peer Aussies - my wife would love to visit Australia!  Anyone visiting Portland, Oregon, feel free to message me.)

As the Bluetooth capabilities continue to improve on our devices, perhaps I'll eventually view my CI as more of a "super power". 

Before I got my CI, I used a bone conduction device.  I had a student that was having problems but not getting the help he needed and deserved. I showed him how I'm deaf in one ear and what I did to adapt.  I also said that if I were a student, I would not be at all embarrassed to get help from my school's disability resource center.  A year later, his parents asked  to meet with me and my boss.  After our meeting, thing had dramatically improved for him.  They said that my meeting had helped him feel comfortable in reaching out and finally accepting help.  His parents were so appreciative, they decided to start a scholarship up for future students. 

I know you are disappointed about not having 24x7 hearing but I've seen people talk about how they like the power of either turning off their CIs or simply taking them off to get greater silence.  Something normal hearing people can't do. My wife is a little jealous that I can sleep through storms or even police sirens.   

The rehab exercises give me something to work on and I enjoy seeing the progress. 

All of us have different paths for our hearing journey and as a single-sided-deaf person, I know that my path has not been as hard as others. 

Keeping fingers crossed for you and wishing you well. Feel free to message me directly as well if you want to talk more one-on-one.

 

 

[Valentin]

I am sorry to read you in this situation, but sometimes we see ourselves as enemies and we create situations that even if they seem like they could happen, they don't. Each person is different and cochlear implantation is a personal journey that each one of us lives differently, no matter how much we look alike. Each person is different and the cochlear implant is a personal journey that each one of us lives in a different way, no matter how much we look alike.

Let me give you an example. In your message you comment that you cannot hear 24-7. No one can hear for a day in a row, because among other things we have to sleep and there are already 6, 7, 8 hours, in which the processor is charging. I have been implanted for 7 years and in all this time I have not stopped hearing during the day. First with Rondo with disposable batteries and now with Rondo 2 which is rechargeable.

I can give you more examples, but this one is simple, so you can see how enemies we can become of ourselves when the reality is different.

I had a hard time making the decision at the time because like you I thought it would not go well. Today, I don't want to go back, and although with its limitations, the implant gives you back what the lack of hearing wanted to take away as MaryBeth comments,

[Amb]

Thank you for responses. I will never understand some reactions, such as some who enjoy being able to sleep undisturbed without being able to hear 24/7. After a while I am back in my own house. I attempted suicide after my last post. I was discovered in time by my colleague and rushed to hospital. In the meantime, I have had conversations with family and friends who are extremely sad, but also with doctors and psychologists. I have promised my family that I will not attempt suicide again, but they have promised me that if, after consultation with a psychologist and CI implantation, I am still not happy or am struggling, they will support me if I want to choose the euthanasia process. . I will soon have an appointment with the ENT doctor and an audiologist. We'll wait and see what they can do for me.

[Mary Beth]

@Amb

I am sorry you are in this situation but happy to hear that you have an appointment with a cochlear implant team.  Maybe they can connect you with other cochlear implant users nearby.  Wishing you the best.

[MED-EL Moderator]

Dear @Amb, we are very sorry to read about your situation and have sent you a private message.  Wishing you the best. 

[MED-EL Moderator]

Help in crises:

There are a number of contact points for people in crisis situations and their relatives. You can find emergency numbers and first aid for suicidal thoughts in your country here: https://findahelpline.com

[ZacharyRoth]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging time. Dealing with severe hearing loss and its impact on your daily life must be incredibly tough. It's understandable that you're feeling sad and struggling with depression and panic attacks. Your decision regarding relationships and children reflects the weight of your situation, and it's okay to prioritize your well-being.It's important to know that there are resources and support available for you. Seeking help from a mental health professional can provide you with coping strategies and support for your depression and suicidal thoughts.